My mother and I, for the most part, did not get along. It is, in fact, because of this fractious relationship that I chose deliberately in my twenties to have my tubes tied in the confident knowledge that I would become the same kind of mother that my own was.
I could tell stories. But the fact of the matter is that my mom did the best she could. I know my mom loved me, and I loved her – in spite of the times in my teens that I told her likewise. I can see, looking back, that my mom battled the same dark and difficult issues with hormones, anger and depression that I myself battle, only she did it in the proverbial dark ages, when seeking treatment for such “in your mind” things was taboo.
It is not without irony that when people tell me the reason my mom and I did not get along is because we were so much alike.
It is also ironic that I became a mom. A stepmom.
How I ended up here was twofold: I loved this man, and his kids were wonderful, smart, loving children. I walked into a broken marriage with an 8 and 10-year-old; one who embraced me and one who tested me. At times, it truly spoke to my love for the The Tinker that I even made this attempt, given my long-ago vow that I would never subject any child to the childhood I had.
Again, there were moments of great happiness and joy with my mother. There were also moments that were not so much.
The natural mother was and is very much still in the picture, which put me, as the step-monster, in an awkward role. I’m not the mother. What am I? How do I not offend, step on toes, overstep my bounds? I ask myself these questions to this day as these children are now 25 and 27.
The moral of this story? I see all the tales of wonderful mothers and blissful mother-offspring relationships and wonder why my experience was and is so different. I think it’s important, on this Mother’s Day, to know that experiences of mothering and motherhood can be very different for people, and not always puppies and sugarplums. To some it can bring pain mixed with the joy.
So I wish all the mothers, stepmothers, fathers who have acted as mothers, and children whose memories of mothers are a mixed experience a truly happy Mother’s Day. Cling to the positive, learn from the negative, and know that the life you choose to live is not what you carry over from your past, but how you choose to live your future – good or bad.
