I have been quiet lately, haven’t I?  Sorry.  It is not that I have not thought of you and what I would say to you or show to you.  There have been high points and lower points.  I seem to have been overtaken with the latter.  But, don’t despair, there is light shining somewhere here in the middle of the tunnel.

Here is the view out the front door of our house each morning when one of us walks the dawg. (I do not generally walk the dawg unless her owners are gone and I am dog sitting.  I am not a dawg person. The family was gone for 10 days in February to Disney so I saw many a morning out this door…)

The view out the front door or more gloriously out the third floor windows is of the Manhattan skyline including the Empire State Building at the center.  When you walk the dawg down the block you can one One World Trade.  Nice to see each day and night in all of its glory.

Kinda glorious.  But the neighborhood is also friendly and happy.  Annamaria lives there across the street on the left.  Rosario and Stella live on my left (he is my mechanic, she is my age and a sweetie), one of my daughter’s good friends lives on the right.  The neighborhood is sheltering and supporting.

Things have been challenging lately to me so I tend to retreat.  I am so glad that I am near the grandkids and their parents.  I am sure that it would be most more difficult without them.

The Bearded One is not doing well.  Have I shared on this blog that he has dementia, diagnosed twelve years ago?  He has a few other health issues also that he cannot remember to deal with.  Like stop smoking or drinking.  Not happening.

But they are also some of the things that bring him joy.  He deserves joy.  I would rather he have a shorter life filled with joy than a long life of pain or lacking.

So, I have been wrestling with the challenges of being a caregiver.  A caregiver who is not in control of what is happening when I like to be in control.  (I have been working on the control thing but I guess there are many meditations ahead…)

He is weaker.  He is less interested in life.  He is content but he is not a partner.  He is my child, my pet, a cherished part of my life but one who has changed so much in his role as my husband.

Sigh.  My heart breaks.  As he loses strength I try to gather my strength to face his loss or his slow goodby for years to come.

Sorry for the bummer.  But there are so many others facing the same struggle, I must share.